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Have you ever watched spy movies and wondered if you could hold National secrets if you were being mercilessly tortured by some russian/ al quaeda operative/ evil martian? I used to wonder, but now I know… oh yes, I could do it. And I bet you could do it too. How do I know?
I’ve endured SO much more torture than a typical CIA agent! Don’t believe me? Read the birth stories. And if that’s not enough, I think back to the torture I’ve already bravely endured…
Giving blood. (Or having it taken.) It’s strange, seeing that needle go in and watching your blood drain out, but hey, it’s for a good cause (maybe just your own health, but that’s a good cause, right?) And nobody would sacrifice national security to avoid that discomfort. So maybe it’s not torture, but it’s weird.
But then there’s braces/ dental procedures. That’s pretty bad, especially the “numbing” shot with the big needle. I’ve considered selling out over that one. (Maybe you’re lucky enough to get laughing gas… But I’ve gone to the cheap-o dentists and even gotten a cavity filled without novocaine. And I had braces three times. Told you I’m tougher than an average spy!) Braces are pretty bad, too. You go in and know they’re going to tighten and twist that tangle of metal in your mouth and you’ll be slurping pizza puree through a straw for the next few dinners. It’s torture! But not the worst.
There’s leg waxing. Hot wax poured onto my legs by an absent-minded asian lady and then mercilessly ripped off in sheets… She just keeps going and going, despite my writhing and screaming. I’ve been bruised, bloodied. I even did it once when I was pregnant, and unable to lie down on my stomach or back. That was interesting. Way worse than “water boarding” torture, whatever that is. And I won’t even mention bikini waxing…
Then there’s the eye surgery I had last week. I felt like the guy in A Clockwork Orange with the eye spreaders and the big needles going into my eyelids. The Dr. never explained what they were doing, just one tiny numbing drop and then, “Hold still and keep your eye open… Look at the light! Keep your eye open! Okay hold still for the eyelid spreader!” I just kept telling myself to be strong in that chair as the evil Russian came at my eye with tongs. It was awful, I cried like a baby when I got back to my car, all bandaged with a soggy pirate patch. Okay, maybe I would have sold a few National secrets over that one!
Lazering isn’t as bad as the eye surgery. They just zap your unwanted body hair with a lazer-hot-beam, one. square. centimeter. at. a. time. It’s like being seared with an instant sunburn over. and. over. for. an. hour. And they’ll stop anytime you ask. But you just know they have to keep going until you’re done. After all, YOU PAID FOR IT.
You know all this ruckus about torturing at Guantanamo, I just can’t feel too sad for them. If they terrorize and take innocent stranger’s lives, maybe they deserve a little torture. What’s waterboarding compared to bikini waxing! And how bad can a hunger strike be? Supermodels and monks starve themselves all the time! Okay, okay, what if they’re innocent, right? Well, I’m innocent too and I’ve endured all the above torture and 3 natural labors! And here’s the big difference, at the end I’ve had say “THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALL THE TORTURE” and“have a nice day” and then fork over thousands of dollars!
Isn’t that the worst torture of all? Paying good money for the privilege! Oh yeah, I could be a spy!
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